Thank You For Waking Me Up

A first person account by your fearless host, HJ.

I have been raiding dormitories for 8 years, enduring the morning breath, body odour and sweat smells of legions of rising starlets even before their names and porcelain features ever made it to the front pages of entertainment magazines. But nothing prepared me for what I had to endure that cold wintry morning of May 1st 2011.

That fateful morning, I arrived promptly at the doorstep of newcomer Koh Xin Yun's apartment at Blk 438. I was feeling pleased with myself, this being the first time I was dealing with a 'starlet' (if you could even call her that) of such... looks and (lack of) talent. I felt confident that I had already earned major ( like +100000) karma points that morning.

And when I opened the door and stepped into the room, I was 100% certain that this assignment would guarantee me the path to enlightenment. The putrid stench that bombarded my nostrils was enough to make me feel like dropping dead immediately. I am certain that there was enough methane in the room to make me rise to heaven at once.

But being brave and self-sacrificial, I courageously took two more steps forward into the foreboding gloom, searching for the safest route to the sleeping beauty (A man can have hope.) But the dark shapes jutting out of the darkness told me that it was useless--you could even lose a gorilla in this mess, literally--I can't find the gorilla in this mess.

I found that out the hard way when I tripped over something soft and landed right smack on the belly of the sleeping gorilla herself!!

A terrifying grunt told me that I had found my target. The entire bed trembled as the monster slowly sat up before my horrified eyes. Even in this situation I could sense it--the smell of tomatoes, Tao Kae Noi, and DEATH. I leapt off the bed in an uncontrollable burst of panic and raced out of the room.

On my way out, I nearly tripped over the something soft I had tripped on earlier. Immediately I felt something slimy and wet seep through my socks. What - was it another tsunami? Even in my panic I had the presence of mind to look down. Being kind-hearted by nature, I even considered saving the monstrosity that was now unleashing loud growls and belches from the bed. But before I could take another step, I slipped and landed inches away from a clump of white. Was this heaven?

But wait- why was it smelly and soggy? Oh my god... ~O Ma! It was the severed, drool-covered head of Goofy! With a broken string swinging from the back! What kind of monster would commit such a hideous, violent act? Of course. It was Xin Yun. Nothing else mattered at that moment. I sprinted out of the room in a burst of superhuman energy just as the gorilla herself roared - oh wait, it was just a snore.

With a sigh of relief, I slowed down and arranged my golden locks of hair, combing it forward to make up for my thinning fringe before facing the cameras outside the room (the cameramen had escaped in fear just 10 seconds within entering the room.) But nothing could erase the traumatic memories that had been embedded in my mind. They will remain there forever...

As I finish penning this account, I solemnly swear that I, Kim Hyun Joong, will never set foot within 10 feet of Gorilla Koh Xin Yun for the rest of my life.

I am off now to film my latest drama, Boys Over Flowers. My manager informed me that a new cast member will join us today. She will play the mother of... aish, I forgot that guy's name again. I can't help it, he is simply too average-looking unlike me. Not my problem. I can't wait to meet the new girl. ;)