Evening Victorian Mirror

Thank You For Waking Me Up

2011-04-18T01:59:00.001-07:00

A first person account by your fearless host, HJ.

I have been raiding dormitories for 8 years, enduring the morning breath, body odour and sweat smells of legions of rising starlets even before their names and porcelain features ever made it to the front pages of entertainment magazines. But nothing prepared me for what I had to endure that cold wintry morning of May 1st 2011.

That fateful morning, I arrived promptly at the doorstep of newcomer Koh Xin Yun's apartment at Blk 438. I was feeling pleased with myself, this being the first time I was dealing with a 'starlet' (if you could even call her that) of such... looks and (lack of) talent. I felt confident that I had already earned major ( like +100000) karma points that morning.

And when I opened the door and stepped into the room, I was 100% certain that this assignment would guarantee me the path to enlightenment. The putrid stench that bombarded my nostrils was enough to make me feel like dropping dead immediately. I am certain that there was enough methane in the room to make me rise to heaven at once.

But being brave and self-sacrificial, I courageously took two more steps forward into the foreboding gloom, searching for the safest route to the sleeping beauty (A man can have hope.) But the dark shapes jutting out of the darkness told me that it was useless--you could even lose a gorilla in this mess, literally--I can't find the gorilla in this mess.

I found that out the hard way when I tripped over something soft and landed right smack on the belly of the sleeping gorilla herself!!

A terrifying grunt told me that I had found my target. The entire bed trembled as the monster slowly sat up before my horrified eyes. Even in this situation I could sense it--the smell of tomatoes, Tao Kae Noi, and DEATH. I leapt off the bed in an uncontrollable burst of panic and raced out of the room.

On my way out, I nearly tripped over the something soft I had tripped on earlier. Immediately I felt something slimy and wet seep through my socks. What - was it another tsunami? Even in my panic I had the presence of mind to look down. Being kind-hearted by nature, I even considered saving the monstrosity that was now unleashing loud growls and belches from the bed. But before I could take another step, I slipped and landed inches away from a clump of white. Was this heaven?

But wait- why was it smelly and soggy? Oh my god... ~O Ma! It was the severed, drool-covered head of Goofy! With a broken string swinging from the back! What kind of monster would commit such a hideous, violent act? Of course. It was Xin Yun. Nothing else mattered at that moment. I sprinted out of the room in a burst of superhuman energy just as the gorilla herself roared - oh wait, it was just a snore.

With a sigh of relief, I slowed down and arranged my golden locks of hair, combing it forward to make up for my thinning fringe before facing the cameras outside the room (the cameramen had escaped in fear just 10 seconds within entering the room.) But nothing could erase the traumatic memories that had been embedded in my mind. They will remain there forever...

As I finish penning this account, I solemnly swear that I, Kim Hyun Joong, will never set foot within 10 feet of Gorilla Koh Xin Yun for the rest of my life.

I am off now to film my latest drama, Boys Over Flowers. My manager informed me that a new cast member will join us today. She will play the mother of... aish, I forgot that guy's name again. I can't help it, he is simply too average-looking unlike me. Not my problem. I can't wait to meet the new girl. ;)

An advertisement for advertisements

2007-06-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

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So, for heaven's sake, advertise with us.

Rest assured that we only use high-quality genuine 24-carat gold leaf for all our pamphlets and flyers, so no member of the public will throw away your advertisements without reading them.

And one last thing before you contact us: We didn't say anything about the cost. (:

A Coloured Joke

2007-06-11T03:58:00.001-07:00

In reply to True Colours, an article written on Sunday, February 15th, a reader has wrote in with a joke to share with every single one of us.

What is the panda's biggest dream in life?

To have a coloured photo of itself!

Oh ho ho ho, what a merry joke! I'm sure it plastered a big big smile on your face! What a witty joke for a reader to write in! We really appreciate you taking your time and effort to type this out and send it to us! Over here, we will like to wish you a very big THANK YOU!

As a foot note, I gladly announce that I, am the very witty reader :)

Invasion of Aliens

2007-06-11T03:36:00.000-07:00

Oh pardon us, the great authors of the EVENING VICTORIAN MIRROR, for leaving this beautiful site stagnant for quite a while.

This is all due to the alien invasion from the 'Cynthia' land. After much careful and extremely meticulous research, we have found out that 'Cynthia' is very much related to 'Esther'! Wow!

No, my dear readers, we have not been holidaying away. We have been slogging our lifes away, fighting like true heroes against the aliens from 'Cynthia' and we are glad to say that, the battle is won!

Stay tuned with your eyes glued to the screen, pressing the key 'F5' ever so often for more exciting news!

True Colours

2007-02-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

Adapted from Cindy Lauper's song! :)

Re-written by Chingay Lawyer and Friends!

Some melodious excerpts:

When the people get too stupid and you need some extra cash
You can blindfold them, cause they won't suspect
As they can't see your true colours, shining through
They can't see your true colours
So they won't think you are bad
And you can rob them
And they won't suspect,
Yeah they won't suspect!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I see your true colours, shining through
I see your true colours
So I'm not colour blind!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Chingay enters a TV store...
Chingay: "I see your true colours..."
Ah Seng: Wah you siao ah this TV black and white leh

When Chingay goes to kindergarten...
Chingay: I see your true colours... lend me your colour pencils!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is so not funny. I can see your true colours. *hypnosis*

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

2007-02-02T05:42:00.000-08:00

SINGAPORE - The annual Golden Mole Beauty Pageant was held last Friday, with a total of erm, 2 contestants. (The rest died of heart attack, details in the later paragraphs.)

This two contestants, aged -15 and 30, outshoned the others with their extreme beauty, others cannot help but just stare blankly in awe. According to the disqualified contestants, there was a stand-by first aid team as these two contestants were simply too beautiful that the authorities were afraid that a crowd would gathered and put their lifes in danger.

Contestant #01
Name: SMUG
Age: -15 years old
Sex: Female
Sex appeal: 100
Talents: Ballet dancing in bathsuits

SMUG, otherwise known as the Slim, Magical and Underweight Goddess, stands out from the crowd with her elegance aura. In the Ballet Round, she topped with a score of 99.9/100. The difference of o.1 mark was a result wearing bathing suit to dance. Ironically, this is also considered to be one of her strengths. However, her age is still a myth as the authorities are currently looking into her background.

Contestant #02
Name: Niu Niu
Age: 30 years old
Sex: Mutant
Sex appeal: -100
Talents: Worshipping Korean Stars, namely CSW and L

You can spot Niu Niu right away from a crowd, not because she is exceptionally tall, but because she has the head of a human, but the body of a cello. That would explain why her sex appeal is a negative index.

After what seem like an eternity later, the judges finally came up with a winner of The Golden Mole Beauty Pageant, at the expense of their appreciation of beauty. It was a heart-wrenching moment in the stadium, everyone held their breaths and waited for the announcement of results.

The beauty queen of 1st The Golden Mole Beauty Pageant turned out to be LYL, a previously disqualified contestant. It happened that SMUG and Niu Niu are one individual who registered twice to secure higher chances of winning. She/They were disqualified from the pageant one minute before the announcer-cum-ex-contestant declared herself the winner.

As reported by Assie Butty Toad.

Top FIVE ways to be GROSS!

2007-01-31T05:02:00.000-08:00

Ladies, want to make an impression on that shuaige over by the arcade? Macho men, want to attract even more stares from those pretty ladies in Metro? Cousin of former reporter Assie Butty Toad, Funny Farty Fog, brings you the following HOT TIPS!

- If you are blessed with hairy armpits, raise your arms as high as you can to let the whole world see your, er, fuzz, and start scratching. For a better effect, complain loudly that the hair is too curly/thick/smelly etc.

- If you have hairless armpits but are blessed with long fingernails and a stuffy nose, start digging your nose. An added benefit: flicking the bits off your little fingers keeps thugs at bay, especially if done with the speed of a machine gun.

- If you fart a lot like this reporter, blast away! For best results, eat nothing but soft food for a couple of days and don't poo yet till the stinkbomb goes off in a public place. Remember the following butty tip: Noisy not lethal, the silent one is the killer.

- At a buffet, take as much food as you can, and get eating. Then, with your mouth full of food, walk over to the buffet table to get more food while chewing and letting the bits fall (accidentally) into the trays. For a better effect, add some sounds. You can easily find inspiration from pig farms.

- Do the ultimate act of parenthood (for some species of birds, that is), REGURGIGATE YOUR FOOD FOR OTHERS TO EAT. No elaboration shall be offered.

Funny Farty Fog is signing off, and will not bear any responsibility for any injuries or whatever sustained while carrying out the above actions.

MSN

2007-01-26T06:50:00.000-08:00

To all the kids out there in the world, be careful when you chat through the internet. Even with your friends, you should still take extra precautions.

You should be careful of CUTE SMILEYS like the ones of JIRO WANG shown above. Ahem.

Bimbo? Or Not?

2006-12-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

Being termed 'Bimbo' is a very serious issue recently. Through this test, you can find out how bimbo I am (lol no link fine)

BIMBO TEST
[ ] My fingernails/toenails are almost always painted
[x] During the summer pretty much the only shoes I wear are flip flops
[x] My favorite toy as a child were barbies
[ ] My favorite color is purple, totally
[ ] I did Gymnastics
[ ] I love skirts
[ ] Hollister is my favorite place to shop
[ ] Tight jeans are the only jeans I'll wear
[x] I love chocolate
[x] I've never had a real job
TOTAL: 4/10

[ ] My hair is straightened
[x] I have at least 8 friendster pictures
[ ] I usually go shopping once a week
[x] I love to hang out with friends
[ ] I have a real diamond ring or diamond necklace
[ ] I've gone to a tanning salon
[ ] I've gone to the beach to tan
[ ] I have at least 10 pairs of shoes
[ ] I watch either the OC or Laguna Beach
[ ] I change my icon weekly
TOTAL: 2/10

[ ] I wear a shower cap
[ ] I would NEVER step foot into Hot Topic
[ ] My cell phone might as well become a part of me
[ ] I wear mascara everyday
[ ] I've been or am on a diet
[ ] Bathing suits are adorable
[ ] I don't know the difference between a sheep and a goat.
[ ] Big sunglasses are hot
[ ] I have gotten my nails done
[ ] I own over 10 purses
TOTAL: 0/10

[x] MTV is one of my favorite channels (but I don't have T.T)
[ ] All I want to do at sleepovers is talk about boys
[ ] I love to have other girls do my hair
[x] I give and receive hugs from all my friends
[x] I hate bugs, snakes, lizards, spiders
[ ] Carnivals are so fun!
[ ] Summer is THE best season
[ ] My swimsuit has 2 pieces
[ ] I'm waiting for my knight in shining armor
[x] Pianists are so hot.
TOTAL: 4/10

[ ]You write me a poem and tell me I'm beautiful and i will fall for you.
[x] I am self-conscious.
[ ] I cry often
[ ] My car smells like vanilla
[x] My dishes get washed more than once a week
[x] I don't do sports
[x] I HATE to run
[ ] I squeal when I am surprised or angry
[ ] I eat dried fruit as a snack
[x] I love romance novels
TOTAL: 5/10

[ ] Drew Barrymore is so cute
[ ] I dance a lot
[x] I usually spend over an hour to get ready to leave my house
[ ] I only have like 5 billion hair products
[ ] I love to get dressed up
[x] Every part of my outfit needs to match
[x] I talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends
[x] I would love to have a photo shoot of myself
[ ] Price on clothes hardly matters
[ ] I apply lip gloss 50 times a day
TOTAL: 4/10

[ ] I wish I were a model
[ ] I wish I could meet Paris Hilton to slap her
[ ] I have been something that was slutty on halloween
[ ] I own Uggs
[ ] Hip Hop is the best music
[ ] I pop my collar
[ ] I like to be the center of attention
[ ] Guys with Mohawks are crazy (Whats a Mohawk lol)
[ ] Horses are beautiful
[ ] I'd rather not pay attention in school
TOTAL: 0/10

[ ] Cats are adorable
[ ] I write my own music/song/lyric
[x] I would love to visit Hawaii
[x] Valentine's day!
[x] White is better then black
[ ] I wouldn't be caught dead in all black
[ ] My closet is STOCK FULL of clothes
[x] I hate the grunge look of a beard
[x] I love to read gossip magazines
[x] I love to gossip
TOTAL: 6/10

[ ] I had Lisa Frank folders, posters as a kid (who the hell is that?!)
[ ] I love Celine Dion
[ ] My bubble baths are 2 hr long (sry I don't own a tub)
[ ] My wedding only needs a groom because it's already planned
[ ] My friends and I are in a strict group. We mostly only hang out with each other
[x] I like kids
[ ] Diet drinks are the best
[ ] I'm all about being vegetarian
[ ] I refuse to eat at McDonald's
[ ] I check my friendster everyday
TOTAL: 1/10

[x] I LOVE life!
[x] I have a lot of jewellery!
[ ] Claire's has cheap jewellery
[x] My screen names have x's in them (twinklexstar LOL)
[ ] Either one of my friendster profile has/had <3
[x] I would never want to be the opposite sex
[x] It's not what he/she said, it's the way he/she said it
[x] I have more than 3 pillows on my bed
[ ] I have a stuffed toy sleeping beside me
[x] I love tidy and clean places
TOTAL: 7/10
GRAND TOTAL: 25/100

I'm 1/4 bimbo! Take the test NOW to show your friends that you are no-way bimbo!

Rice Album - priceless national treasure

2006-07-05T05:03:00.000-07:00

SINGAPORE - Witnessess have spotted a rice album running out of a house on Street 21 and caused plenty of commotion indeed.

A resident, Miss Barbie Koh, who prefers to be known as Mrs Lu Lu, said that she was terrified when she saw orange pages spinning around the road side. "I thought it was a joke at first, the rice cartoons on the album looked really cute, but when I saw the album colliding and scratching the passer bys, I feared for the safety of my kids." said a very agaitated Mr Lu Lu. The first thing the Lu Lus did was to bring their children home quickly to safety.

Neighbours have reported that the rice album belonged to a very charming lady called MP. When questioned, Miss MP replied calmly that the damage that the album had caused will dissolve soon as there is magic cast on the album, to protect the priceless national treasure. After further questioning, she admitted that Professor Ng M.L. wanted to borrow the rice album to display in a world wide exhibition, which is the reason why she set the album running towards the Professor's house.

---

Advertisement: New book released! 'The Neverending Mocking Bird' , a must buy!

"..the author Mayping has really captured the hearts of
our readers and this is a really priceless book!" - the Evening Victorian
Times.

The Twentieth Annual Moo Awards

2006-05-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

Good Evening, ladies and gents!

Host: Welcome to The T.A.M.A 2006! It is here that we, citizens of Moomooland, honour the commendable contributions of our fellow countrymen! It is with great pleasure that we give our first award to... Miss Koolar from Dracula (pronounced Smith) Farm!

Miss Koolar: Hello everybody! I am very pleased to be receiving this award. However, I wish to correct the host here. In where I come from, M-I-S-S is not pronounced "Miss", but "Muss". Thank you.

Host: Thank you, Muss Koolar, for your help in driving away the mutant hamsters last fall during the 101th invasion by the Bullbull Military Force from BullBullland, recorded under act 46, page 103 of the Royal Book. Now let's end this stupid award ceremony with an advertisment!

DRINK MOOMOO MILK... AND YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT MUTANT HAMSTERS IN THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN!

Sorry, you won the 'Sorry' Award.

2006-05-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

Ever imagined that you could win an award for saying the most number of times of 'Sorry'? The Sorry High Council has hereby awarded a 'Sorry' Award to Sir C.H.A.N for appologising to his gifted class at a amazing rate of 8/20 times per min!

That may qualify as a World Zeeneeus Record.

However, Sir C.H.A.N has kindly declined the offer as he will be leaving his gifted class in search of a life-partner, who agrees that (a+b) squareD equals to a squareD + b squareD.

So, unfortunately, Sir C.H.A.N will be disqualified from the World Zeeneeus Record.

Let us observe one minute of silence, in remebrance of Sir C.H.A.N and his 'Sorries' and his algebra and mensuration. Note that you pronouce those words correctly.

Advertisment: A-moon agency will be inviting Polly's sister to conduct a lesson on public toilet speaking. Limited seats available. Please register at any poo-and-pee outlets a.k.a toilets.

FEMALE or MALE?

2006-05-04T02:56:00.000-07:00

There was beautiful concert by an artist by the name of Ning Xi. He/She was playing a chinese instrument, the yang qin, and the melody struck perfectly, every beat touched the heart, every note strung our insides together. There were no doubts on his musical talents.

But there was a very important question that everyone wanted to know. Is Ning Xi a male or a female?

Photos have shown him or her always to be dressed in long pants and baggy clothings, so nobody could really see if he/she is a female or male. Thus, our reporter ABT, full name Assie Butty Toad decided to do something about it.

MISSION ONE:
ABT went over to his/her estate to find out more about his gender.

This was what our reporter saw:

This is a statue of Ning Xi outside his/her's house. The reporter than proceeded to ring on the doorbell. When the door opened, the excited reporter was once again let down.

It was Ning Xi's manager.

The attempt to find out about Ning Xi's gender failed.

MISSION TWO:
ABT joins the paparazzi.

During the first day of shadowing Ning Xi, ABT saw him/her walking into a prostitute and returning home with a few hot and sexy girls. However, he/she did not stay long in the house. Instead, the went over to his/her neighbour's house. Laughters could be heard from his/her's house and it was noted that he/her did not return, and the girls left by themselves in the morning.

Next, ABT returned to his own house and emerged outside again after a few hours. He/She was dressed in different clothings this time. Ning Xi walked into a red car and drove off. After half an hour, he/she stopped at bright pink house. She/He placed it's hands around an attractive male's waist and both of them flirted around for quite a while.

Then, the question aroused. Is Ning Xi homosexual?

MISSION THREE:
No more mission three, ABT was sacked for being inefficiency in work.

MISSION FOUR:
The two Presidents of EVM decided to set out personally to Ning Xi's house to take a look.

And we found something that ABT did not see. It was a few metres beside the statue featured earlier on.

Mission accomplished. Ning Xi is a girl. Turns our he has a twin sister.

Crazy Polly-- It's no longer Pretty.

2006-04-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BIRD?

Police are on the search for the above creature to assist in investigations on a cheating case involving the use of a stolen credit card to buy two bottles of Veri Gui Cod Liver Oil with Banana Juice in Sunny Yellow Colour and added Omega 3.

The bird is described to be in its late twenties, slim and 1.53 cm tall, weighing 67.984 grams with a moment of 18 Newton-metres when placed on a birch wood balancing scale with a width of 3.77 cm and a length of 15cm with a 500 gram weight at the other end. When pushed feet first against a marbled floor, the pressure exterted by the bird is at an estimated 45 Pascals. Measuring tools to determine the above may be purchased at a 20% discount from Smarty-Pants General All-Purpose Specialist Bookstore.

Anyone with information on the bird's identity, bodily measurements, eating habits, allergies, crushes, dislikes, number of armpit hairs, past relationships, number of peanuts consumed so far, number of feathers and whereabouts may call the police hotline at 1800-XXX-XXX.

Thank you for your cooperation and your participation in this investigation. Your identity will be kept strictly, positively and temporarily confidential.

JUST KIDDING!

Waffles, the Founder of hot settlements

2006-04-15T01:43:00.001-07:00

Advertisement: Get your Extra Value Meal (EVM) now! Only at McDonald’s.

Tommy Waffles, the famous Singer, the idol of Ah Lian the Orang-Utan, was spotted last evening peeping at a few girls having their showers in the renowned hot baths in Rome. Girl number one, who only wanted to be known as Evian Freshwater, said, “I was lucky to be the only one who was fully dressed.”

Her friends, though, were not so lucky. All five of them have been admitted into Woodbridge Royal Anglo Hospital for shock treatment. The media is also sad to announce that the hospital was funded and built by Waffles himself.

However, when interviewed, Waffles defended himself with a smug expression on his face, saying, “I was only looking for a site for a settlement. I thought the hot baths would be a good place due to its natural water… and natural, ah, beauty.” He was immediately arrested for making obscene remarks at a female reporter, who is none other than yours truly.

Thank you for your kind consolation, the reporter is now happily resting at home, eating apples and writing a report, hoping to spread the misdeeds of Tommy Waffles to the many households of Singapore.

The Prestige of The Royal British Empire and the Founding of Singapore!

2006-04-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

(Note: This was created in jest and holds no message whatsoever against the british.)
(Note 2: Use this for your project!)

Of all the glory that the Royal British Empire has enjoyed in the past centuries, nothing can overwhelm the prestige, the power, and the Holy awe that She has carved into the heart-muscle of all the other lowly kingdoms of to-day! Here as I write, I understand in my heart and in my whole-being that She is sending more powerful men and knights to conquer and build up our holy nation. It seems an age since Britain last extended Her Holy arms, to embrace new light, new people, new gold, and thus dispelling shadow with all her might.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all Man whose blood is a level away from the scarlet liquid that runs through my veins, yours and your father’s is but a student, a disciple of the Holy citizens of the Great British Empire. There is, in every disposition, a tendency to commit the Holy Act of Teaching, the spreading of British knowledge and God’s sacred beliefs to these unpolished beings, desperately in need of enlightenment of a New Age.

Yester-day, Thomas Raffles put quill to Asian parchment, and signed in the name of the English East India Company, thus establishing a New British settlement in the East Indies.

END.

Legal Disclaimer

2006-04-15T01:42:00.000-07:00

By visiting and reading this website, you hereby automatically agree to the following terms and conditions:

I. Everything here is PURELY FICTION. We made them up, they are all originally created, unless otherwise stated.

II. All statements here are created in jest and have no other meanings towards any other institutions, organizations, corporation, business or any other independent individuals.

III. We are not to be hold responsible against any comments, links or any other opinion expressed in any other way by a third party or an external website.

IV. We shall not be held responsible for any damage caused resulting from the use (or misuse) of this website and the webcomic, even if we were warned of the possibility of such damage.

V. That you regard the content of the website to be in good faith and without malicious intent, and that we do not have any political agenda.

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Should anybody disagree with the above conditions, your sole and exclusive remedy is to discontinue your use of this website immediately.

Hamster and Mayping
The Evening Victorian Mirror

(Format of Disclaimer taken from 'The Student's Sketchpad')

Introduction

2006-04-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

'Evening Victorian Mirror' is a blog written in a newspaper styled format, reflecting the major upcoming or historical events that are going to happen, is happening, or has happened in the past.

We write up random articles when we feel like it, or when it is in regards to our most recent projects, which in we write when we are slacking around, trying to avoid doing the project. (Bad kids!)

We hope to bring laughter to people all around the world who are reading this, and also self-reflectment and reality.

'OI! LAUGH LEH!'